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Jul. 12th, 2006 @ 08:35 am (no subject)
Current Mood: dissapointed, drained,
i hate my life so much right now.
i really do. why am i here. i have been trying to look at things happening in my life as positive even though its not. like "this has happend for a reason, now i gotta learn from it." i just wanna not be here anymore, people would be better off without me here. i wanna get hit by a car or something.
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Jun. 1st, 2006 @ 02:08 pm If it makes sense or has a point then i didn't write it
Current Music: Country
sometimes i get so sick of always trying to please others. yet i continue to do so because then i feel selfish if i don't try to please others. what will make u happy ashley? what do u want to do? don't fucking ask me that! especially when my honest response makes u not happy. i really don't give a shit about myself all i care about is if you are happy. by saying "you" i mean my girlfriend, mi familia, my friends (every last one of ya), and people i really don't know at all or that well. i am serious i don't give a shit if the guy beggn for money on the street corner has a new pair of shoes or doesn't "look poor enough" or if its a scam. if he needs my money or my food and it will help him in SOME kind of way then so be it! i work my ass off everyday, just so i can get by, there are many things i would rather be doing but i believe the or lord has a purpose for everyone and everything that happens. and that helps keep me going. YES I AM A CHRISTIAN and i know i'm not a very good one. but who is perfect?! only Jesus is and he died for us, for our sins so that we can be forgiven and have that chance to go to heaven. this is a rant but i have so many feelings inside me and thoughts that i feel like i am going to explode. but i don't express them and never fully do because i feel as though all i do is complain and i am being selfish or something like that. IDK. i do know that no matter what i do to make people happy there is always going to be somebody that is unhappy and i can't control that. and if one day i can please everyone at once i hope that i will be happy too. . . . .
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May. 3rd, 2006 @ 10:58 am (no subject)
don't go looking for love, ur just gonna get let down. let love find you and it won't dissapoint you
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May. 1st, 2006 @ 12:00 pm the mexicans marching
Current Location: work
Current Mood: TORN
i don't know where to stand.............
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Apr. 17th, 2006 @ 11:29 am (no subject)
Current Mood: content
the things that make me content, extremely happy.

Mt. Dew
Cigars
Motorcycles

if i have one of these i get set into a great mood no matter what.
Drink Mt. Dew i'm happy till its gone.
Cigars i'm happy for hours.
Motorcycles i'm happy for days, sometimes weeks!

Could anything top this list?

YES!

Jessica Garcia my girlfriend, the love of my life does. she always makes me very happy and as long as i have her i don't need anything else.

especially when she smiles
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Jan. 14th, 2006 @ 03:59 pm (no subject)
is it possible to slam a person into a wall repeatitively until they become understanding?!
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Nov. 23rd, 2005 @ 01:02 pm (no subject)
short fast update,
i'm dating a girl
:)
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Oct. 9th, 2005 @ 06:15 pm i said yes
um so yeah, i got asked out, on a date thing. yeah. with a guy.
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Sep. 24th, 2005 @ 11:44 pm i said i would so i am
1) Reply with your name and I'll
respond with something random about you.
2) I'll tell you what song/movie
reminds me of you.
3) I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you
in.
4) I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5) I'll
tell you my first memory of you.
6) I'll tell you what animal you remind me
of.
7) I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.

it may take me awhile to respond, i don't get the use of a computer often
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Aug. 8th, 2005 @ 09:23 pm (no subject)
i am feeling many things at the moment, now, this week and time to come. defeat, guilt, anger, sad, worried, bitchy, helpless, confused, crushed, depressed, drained, enraged, empty, frustrated, scared, lonely yet loved. before a few days ago i felt all this along with feeling hopeful, determined, optimistic, calm, and happy.
music is said to soothe the savage beast, and for me that has always been true, until now. music of any kind is not helping.
why? i got a phone call, from a friend, telling me that she was throwing a going away party for a friend of ours on tuesday,(in council bluffs of course.) hmmm i ask why, where is she going? shes like oh yeah she being shipped out on thursday. bring a drink! i'm in a state of shock and say thanks but i can't make it, i live in hastings and have no money. (her) oh ok sorry bye.
this friend of ours is my best friend sarah martin, who is in the army, just got out of boot camp in jan.
we grew up together, been best buds since elementary school, was a bit distant for a short time, but then she "came out", told me last, i, in a short time after, told her about me and we have been tighter then ever, like we first were in elementary school. we always talked about joining the military she did and i went to ISU.
well anyways i called her to see if it was true, and she said yup. she is being shipped to Baghdad. for at least 18 months and i don't get to see her off, its not even all that, i'm worried that i may never see her again.

with the situation i am in at the moment, i was all right with how shitty it was and was going to get, thats why i had all the good feelings with all the bad, but now, now i don't fucking know.

i guess when i feel like my life is so bad, i'll think about where shes at and what shes doing, and then think again about my life and how lucky i am. I am very proud of her.

but for now i still don't fucking know.
i guess u could say that i feel........ numb
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Aug. 5th, 2005 @ 07:32 am (no subject)
yeah so since my aunt wouldn't let me drive she decided that she wanted to sleep outside on the deck and i was to accompany her. it was nice. it was pretty cold but i gots enough body-fat to keep me warm plus a blanket

on another note i watched blade trinity last night and got to thinking wesley snipes and the guy playing dracula was kinda hot, but jessica biel was there and was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay HOTTER than ever before. also i thought i had lost my mixed cd from this summer and was very pist, but all is good cause i found it after tearing through like every box. its a good thing too cause like every radio station out here is country. i like country music, but i like all music, and im gonna go insane if all i hear is country every second. i need a lil' bit of everything, just a lil' bit.
well i'm off to job hunt again today, wish me luck!
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Aug. 5th, 2005 @ 12:40 am (no subject)
so i just had a martini made with apple pucker with my aunt and now she won't let me drive home. o well better safe then sorry. peace ya'll
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Aug. 3rd, 2005 @ 06:40 pm The Biggest Pussy
Current Mood: blank
yeah so i don't know if anyones reads this anymore but o'well. I now am living in hastings nebraska. if u thought ames was small and theres was almost nothing to do and their mall was not worth it let me tell u something, this place tops ames. the mall is pretty much just k-mart. there is no hot topic or sam goody, i just may die. speaking of death, i got in to hasting at 12am and when i arrived at this very large old and dark house, i, big bad can kick anyones ass ashley was extremeley scared. yes i am a big wuss! so i pull the truck up right next to the side door cause its dark and i don't wanna walk too far in the dark. once i get into the house i check all the open rooms on the main floor(whatever didn't have a door). then i go back to the truck and grab my phone while i work up the nerve to check the rest of the house. about 45 minutes later, yeah it took me that long to check 5 more rooms cause i was being so quite and slow and a puss, i went and unloaded my box with the swords, as i do this i noticed that the basement light was on, i was a bit freaked, i could have sworn i had turned that light off before i left from when i was there sunday. so i open the box of swords up right away and un-sheathed my favorte sword and headed tword the basement door. when i got to the door i could feel and hear my heartbeating quicker. i stood there starring at the door for 5 min before i finally told myself i had the big weapon, if there is someone what are they gonna do? run at me and my sword? ha! so i opened the door and .... nothing was there. now i could have gone down stairs and actually checked the basement but i was too scared to and just told myself i must have left the light on the other day. i turned it off an d all the other lights cept the living room where i shut the door and cut myself off from the rest of the dark house and slept with my sword.

i miss all my people
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Jun. 1st, 2005 @ 12:42 am (no subject)
today, one year ago today is the day i had my 1st kiss with a woman. my 1st love.
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May. 30th, 2005 @ 11:02 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: cheerful
Hola everyone!!! it has been a loooooog time since my last entry, but if u remember, that was when all my sanity had finally left me. a lot of things have gone down since then. and the results have been that i got my sanity back, and i am not so stressed, or depressed. woo hoo! (i have been pretty happy) plus i would say that i have had the best week ever, but i haven't, its been LONGER!. it has lasted like 10 maybe 11 days straight! even with all the big bad crap that has happened, it still hasn't been enough to overcome all the good that has happend. well i don't have much else to say except that i miss many people, too many to list, and that i am going to be throwing a cookout like party on the 23rd of july, yeah i know thats a long while away but i set it cause i want my friends from my home town to make it and have no excuses. ya'll are invited if u can make it great if not bummer. oh and my phone is broken so if u need me come by my apt anytime.
yes i got really trashed, fell off a balcony, was found laying in the parking lot, took my shirt off and refused to put it back on, and went to the LumberYard strip club, where at one point i was on stage. and it was GREAT!
and heather, you rock!
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Apr. 7th, 2005 @ 03:01 am Any sanity I had left is now gone
yeah, i'm bored, its like 3 in the morn amd sleep has run away from V again.

whats new?!

I cleaned my truck last night/ earlier this evening, whatever. for about 2 in a half hrs. and its still not done, what?! yeah, it still needs to be vacuumed, and taken through a car wash. i'd rather wash it myself but don't have a hose. bummer.

So somehow i got set off last night, everything was building up, so i decided to clean the inside of the truck, to get my mind off the things building up, but that didn't work so i then went for a looong drive around ames, thinking, then parked it by the apt. and sat and thought, then got out walked around the backyard and did some more thinking.
and with all that thinking,
i came to the conclusion of

nothing.
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Apr. 4th, 2005 @ 06:22 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: energetic
Current Music: Beverley Hills - Weezer
WEEZER is freakn' awesome!!!!!!!!!!!



and done
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Apr. 4th, 2005 @ 01:21 am (no subject)
lights on or off?
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Apr. 3rd, 2005 @ 06:12 am WTF?! and WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
somebody shoot me please, or knock some sense into me, i'm a freaking idiot why must i have morals, or values or whatever they are? why is it that i do what i do? or don't do? Heather, next time, if there is a next time, just kinda follow and don't let me out, no matter what. AND I AM SERIOUS!

we have to do that again, but i would like more people to go with.
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Apr. 1st, 2005 @ 04:12 pm Last Night
WOW AWESOME SWEET

want to do it again!!
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